First of all, I would like to apologise to anyone who was shocked by anything I wrote in my last blog. Looking back I realise that some of it maybe went a bit too far but hey, I guess that's what the heat of passion does to you. Turns you into a huge fucking homicidal maniac! :)

Big... no, HUGE shout out to Kate who posted a very nice blog about me on her site. She ends off by saying i'll be alright... i'm starting to believe I am. She also posted that she could see I was really into Sarah, and that i Saw her as something really special. This is where I think a problem lies in regard to me and Sarah... let me continue.

The dude-ette also known as the sexual chocolate chipped fraggle-tastic funk-atronned Skippybird sent me a feckin' HERRRR-UGGGGGEEEE bible of an e-mail today in regards to my blog last night. And she also said that I said a lot about how 'perfect' me and Sarah were. The problem lies in that, and not only Skippy has told me this, but the problem is that I made things sound too perfect, and the pressure I put on Sarah was likely astronomical. Sarah likely didn't feel like she could live up to such labels, and she definitely kept telling me last night how she thought that we weren't perfect. So if one is open about it being 'perfect' and the other isn't open about it being not perfect, then there'll inevitably be a disbalance in the relationship. I blinded myself and made Sarah out to be a messiah in my eyes. I now realise that was a huge fucking mistake. And I can see why she started going off me. I imagine that Wayne DID play a big part in her ending up splitting up with me, but as Skip said to me in the e-mail, I probably put so much pressure on Sarah and when Sarah always told me that, "We moved too fast, I was scared of commitment..." i'm starting to see where's coming from. Now that I think about it, Sarah didn't move too fast, I did. I mean, we had sex very early on in the relationship, and we stayed over at eachothers nearly every weekend, and spent 3 nights on the trot in mine at one time. I even remember her telling me on occasions that she thought we were moving too fast and yet I was too fucking blind to see it, and merely told her that we weren't, and that we could go at whatever speed we very well liked. Big mistake.

Not much I can do now is there? We've already had the slanging match last night where a lot of harsh words were said, mostly from me toward her, and i'm still not totally over her yet, so I can't tell her that I have begun to understand what might have drove her away from me. Dug myself a hole. I always do! :) Still, she's got her internet back now, and who knows, she might read this blog and see what i've said. I'm not going to e-mail her, text her, call her, visit her, just to tell her I understand. I still need the time to get over her after all. But I just need her to know that I don't hate her, and never did. And never could. And if what I say in my blog is what drove her to split up from me, then i'd be extremely relieved. At least i'd know then that it was just as much my fault as hers, if not more mine because I started her off on the road to decay.

Skip, thanks a lot. Your e-mail opened my eyes a lot. Someone else told me something like you told me a few weeks back but I didn't take as much notice of it back then. I guess as i've told you in the past, you just have that 'knack' of uncovering people's problems at the very core. It's a fantastic talent, and I think you've uncovered the very problem which laid at my pain. Skip... I can't thank you enough. I really can't. This should set me off on the road to recovery, and if it does, you'll be the first to know just how much what you've done for me has meant to me.