Hmmm... it's been a while... (Cue 21 different readings into that one sentence)

Went the KH last night with Lee, Phil, and Dave G, and twas a good night. Nothing major, and with so many people notably absent due to the next days download festival festivities, there was a twinge of something missing. But hey, the Thorougoods lot still put up a good fight for a good night. :D I did however get to see the likes of the ever wonderous Lady H (who was SO fucking out of it), Skippy (Who's new hair-do looks just white magnum fantastic!), Snarlie (Who just looks cool as always in that 'black is back' kinda way), and the ever sexual Julia (What can I say? Sheer doll)... Danny was hanging round somewhere too, but hey, who counts bodies? :P Was an absolute pleasure to see the kids again tho, and I always look forward to it.

Highlight of the night? Hmmm. Could be acquiring some condoms, blowing them up, and walking round with our new 'balloons', in the hope that some ladies might find me and Lee sexual enough to suck our dicks. Naturally, it didn't work! But we did get daggers off some french bitch for our troubles. Now THAT'S class! :D

This coming Saturday, coming to the KH near no-one, the Thorougoods faithful will be introducing our newest member to the mix in Laura, the lady who's presence used to greet £-Stretcher in Broadway, and now brightens our lovely little shop. So brace yourselves; me, Lee, Dave G, Blakely, Phil, and Laura, will be out and about... Hooyah. :D

I noticed the News of the World today gave away a 12 game CD worth supposedly £150 if bought seperately. I've played the games. To say some of them were a travesty would be a compliment. Here they are:

Tactical Manager 3

Does ANYONE know how the fuck you're supposed to get started in this? There were no visible options to choose a team, enter your name, etc, the layout of the screen was abysmal, an absolute fucking disgrace. Put it next to championship manager and laugh out loud. Cos it's fucking funny seeing this piece of lanky piss even consider trying to go up against the mighty 'Champ Man'. The fact it's even reached a 3rd game in the series is testament to the dickheads out there who are 27 screws loose of a full structure.

Five-A-Side Football

Abysmal. Shite. Worse than having your foreskin peeled back with a clothes peg then having your helmet grated by a cheese grater. The controls didn't work, the graphics are piss-poor (why the fuck do all the players have necks like ostriches???), and I was greeted with a screen that only told me 4 names for each team. 5-a-side peeps? Don't fucking think so. Oh, and you can choose to play in Sefton Park, of Liverpool fame, but it was very unrealistic. For one, there was no dogshit all over the grass, and there were hundreds of people watching. Pro Evolution Soccer will have NO worries with this steaming great heap of giraffe spunk hanging around. Needless to say, these last two games I uninstalled as quickly as I installed them. Truly one of THE worst games i've EVER had the misfortune to play. One for a drunken laugh with ya mates, if you want to lose them that is.

Super Cross Kings

Finally, we're getting somewhere. Yes, it's still tripe, but it's at least playable. tho listening to the same 3 seconds of music on a loop while riding round an indoor dirt track isn't exactly my idea of entertainment. Had the gameplay been worthwhile, sure, it could have been fun. Could have. The controls are there, albeit a simple brake / accelerate button combo, but they're so frustratingly basic you're just dying for someone to sneakily change them without you knowing so you can have at least some challenge in this piss easy game. The collision detection is piss poor, you don't even have to touch your opponent's when they're near to you yet, yep, you'll go flying off your bike. The graphics aren't TOO bad, but when they're not much better than an early PS1 game, you know you've got problems. Oh, I also crashed about 4o times in 8 laps, yet still won the race. I'm either extremely talented, or this game's for fucking kids (Which it apparently isn't?).

Tennis Antics

Oooooh, this one sounds fun. A crazy twist on tennis!!! Considering it took about 5 seconds to install on my shit-hot pc, I weren't expecting much. I ended up being very undivided. It takes the concept of tennis, and throws it into a bit of a battle mode. where, for every time the ball drops in your half of the court, you lose some life. When your life ticks down, the other person wins one round. meanwhile, there's bombs flying everywhere, little powerups that you don't understand the uses of, and it's just prettu fucked up really. At least it's playable tho, and the graphics certainly do the job, even if again, they are a little disjointed at times. There's a story mode, with no story. Hmmm. So, not too bad, but just a wasted opportunity really.

Body Boarding

A shit sport for a videogame, so again, wasn't expecting much. On reaching the mainscreen, i was informed it was 'MIKE STEWART'S PRO SNOWBOARDING!!!'. So good start, as I haven't got a fucking clue who he is. I'm taken through a shitty character select screen, board select, and finally level select. I picked a level I thought would look as it was sunset based. Hah, no fucking luck. The level started, and somewhere in the world, a kitten was cruelly murdered. Because calling it a 'level' is an insult to REAL levels in videogames. This 'level' consisted of good ol' Mike on his board, with a 3D sea, and wave... on a 2D background. it may as well have been set in a watertank in a movie studio for the authenticity it provided. Again, needless to say, I lasted 2 minutes unable to do ANY moves, and countless falls, before giving up. Utter bollocks.

Spin Off

The worst attempt at re-creating the magic of 'Super Monkey Ball' ever. The response from the 'plains' your ball is rolling on is abysmal, itliterally takes 3 seconds for the ball to respond when you finally tilt the board a different way. I'm not going on with this one, simply babyshit.

Midnight Racing

I remembered something called 'Midnight Club Racing', and wondered if this could be related to that wonderous gem of fun. I couldn't be more wrong. With a Satriani sounding shite tune for its main menu, I knew things were going to be bad. On actually starting the game, I imagined myself to be playing the now infamous 'Big Rigs' (See gamefaqs.com for it, CLASSIC game). The graphics are its one saving grace, only because it's the one thing about the game that's stomachable.

Build City

Sim City in disguise maybe? Like fuck. I had no fucking clue what I was doing when playing this, and considering it gave me FOUR building options on its opening level, I gave up without even bothering. No, giving it a chance wouldn't change my mind. This is fucking shite.

There's another 4 games on the disc, entitled ' War Soldier', 'Rat Attack!', 'Megacity Challenge', and 'Pearl Harbor', all which i'm sure are all as syphillitic as the other games. Possibly the worst compilation game disc ever? Well it DID come with the News of the World, of which it's front page 'news of the world' saw Abi Titmuss licking some other woman's pussy while John Leslie strokes his small thin cock. Suddenly, 'Pearl Harbor' seems so appropriate. As does Rat Attack for that matter!