I'm not going to continue Friday's blog because it's become redundant after events today.

I had a small chat with Sarah earlier today. I was bored and kinda missing her after the meeting on friday so decided to call her. We had a small chat, and I realised it was going nowhere so told her it was best I went.

And I did.

then I had an epithany. Something struck me, and I decided I had to text her. I told her I had all these feelings bottled up inside and there was NO-ONE, and I mean NO-ONE who i could talk to about them. if she wanted to hear them, she'd call me, if she didn't, fine, but I wouldn't be able to carry on as I was if she didn't hear me out.

Nothing.

I then texted her to say that I couldn't hide my feelings for her, that even after 2 months apart I still truly loved her more than anything, and that i hoped she didn't hate me for it.

Still nothing.

I was kinda worried at this point that i'd fucked up royally, so I did the only thing I could and called her again. She told me she hadn't got the second text so that was kinda invalid. I did get her to read it before we started talking tho. She could see something was up instantly. We talked for ages, mostly on my feelings since we split up, and it culminated as follows. She told me she doesn't have the same feelings that she did when we first got together, and that she also definitely doesn't see us being together. I told her that the way we are, especially with me not being able to get over her, that I can't be her friend. If being a friend is being there for someone when they need you, having laughs and giggles with them, then I couldn't do that. Because i'd be lying to both myself and her. I couldn't pretend that I didn't have feelings for her. That's pretty impossible with the feelings I do have for her, so i told her i quite simply couldn't talk to her. No contact. No meetings, calls, texts, e-mails, anything of the sort. I need this so I can get over her. Anyone who knows me well enough will know how low and depressed i've been these past two months. And I think a lot of that came from my continued contact with Sarah. Finding out what she's up to, especially when it went against me, doesn't help matters. And so I told her I couldn't do this anymore, and whether it takes a month, or half a year, I won't be in touch, nor will I expect her to be in touch UNLESS it was a REALLY big event / occasion / thing, anything, of whatever nature. She said she was surprised I wanted this but understood why I needed it.

I told her we WOULD be fine when I finally get over her properly. I'm kidding myself if I thought I was gonna get over her doing it the way I was. it just wasn't going to happen.

Sarah, I'm sure you will get round to reading this blog. I'd hope that you do, especially today's update. I said this to you on the phone, but I want to say it again. You mean the world to me. I truly love you for who you are and what you're about. No-one touches you for the uniqueness that you behold. I find myself to be one of the most luckiest guys on the planet for even getting to know you, nevermind being able to hold you for the 4 months that we were together. You're still the most important person to me, and I just hope that whatever and wherever your life takes you to, that you will be successful, pleased with your choices, but most importantly, just happy. I want you to be as happy as possible. I want you to embrace the life that you have, take it by the horns and make the most of it. You only live once; make the most of it and enjoy it. You deserve it. You really do. And no-one knows that more than i do, no-one.

I hope that when I finally get over you, I can call you, and you won't be mad at me for the silent treatment that i've requested between us. I didn't want this, I just needed it. I hate the idea of you not being in my life, but if this is what it takes for me to get back to normal, I need to do it. Thank you for allowing me into your life, your family life, your social life, and your lovelife. I loved every minute of the 4 months I was with you, and every minute outside of that that I was able to spend with you. And remember that no-one will be able to love you as much as I did. you're a fantastic woman who left an uneraseable mark on me, and I don't regret any of it. May our future friendships prosper, and may we both now live the lives that we wish to.

I love you babycakes. Shubonny head... :)

PS: Enjoy JT, and give a holler from me. (You know that rhymes!)